No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
