im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
