I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
