Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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