I got chris browned last night
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize