I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
