I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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