i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
