So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
