i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
