i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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