morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
