so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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