Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
