remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
