She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
