before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
