Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
