Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
