So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
