you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
