just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
