she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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