Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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