Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
