tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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