I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Text me some of your sweat
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