So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
