I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
