last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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