Life is so much better after having sex.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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