I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
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