one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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