as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
