my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
