YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
