Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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