checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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