Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
