I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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