you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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