it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize