This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize