I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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