just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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