When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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