Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
