Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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