the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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