I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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