I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
