I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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