you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
